Lies
by xxxfordummies
Summary: Nitori knew that no matter how hard he tried, Senpai would never love him like he loves Haru. (i honestly really hate haru/rin so don't worry it won't be sad forever)
1. Chapter 1

Nitori closed his eyes and released a shuddering breath as Rin thrust into him. Thrust after thrust into him, it hurt more to realize that no matter what Nitori did, he would never be good enough for him. His breath caught in his throat. Rin would never want him the way he wanted Haru. He didn't love him, he simply used him. Nitori was used to it, to the way he looked past him.

Somehow Nitori felt happy that Rin would think of him in some fashion. That he would even want to try this thing they were doing. This arrangement that Rin had suggested one night. Sometimes he even forgot that Rin didn't care for him. Then every time that Rin released inside of him and muttered that name. He remembered that it was all a ruse. Rin thought he didn't notice. He thought Nitori didn't notice that he moaned Haru's name.

Nitori felt no pain anymore. Just a dull ache in his heart as the tears rolled down his cheeks onto the pillow below him. Rin didn't see him and Nitori was hopelessly and whole heartedly in love with him. It hurt but not touching him would be worse. So he dealt with it, he dealt with the numb heartache that never ceased.

Rin pulled out and laid down on the bed beside him. Tugging him into a cold embrace that had no feeling of love behind it. It was a selfish thing for him to do, but Nitori never stopped him. Rin placed a kiss on his collarbone and a choked sob escaped Nitori's mouth.

The red head looked up at him in confusion, "Nitori?"

Nitori didn't respond, he simply returned to his own bed and let the sobs shake his body until sleep found him. He didn't even care if Rin knew anymore. A small part of him wanted Rin to find out how he felt. Maybe then the ache would cease and he could feel again.


	2. Chapter 2

That was the night when Rin had suggested that they become friends with benefits had been a night of beginnings. It was the night that Rin had won the race against Haruka and the night that Nitori's dreams were destroyed, but it didn't start out quite that way. No, looking back on it, Nitori would say that this was probably one of the best nights of his life.

After the meet the team had gone out to eat for a celebration. It was fun just being around everyone after all the hard work they had put in. Rin sat next to Nitori at the restaurant and they spent the dinner talking and touching. At first the touches had been innocent but as the night went on those feather light touches on shoulders and bumping of feet turned into hands resting on thighs and intertwined fingers. These touches left Nitori a stuttering and blushing mess.

The ride home had raised some questions between the two of them, questions of what they were doing and why they were doing it. Because as soon as they hit the road back to Samezuka, Rin had reached over to Nitori and placed his hand on Nitori's exposed thigh and began tracing circles over the flesh with his thumb. This triggered a shiver and a confused look from the silver haired boy, but Rin just grinned at him wantonly and continued his ministrations. Before Nitori had time to really question what Rin was doing, the red head leaned in to Nitori and scraped his neck lightly with his teeth before sucking on the spot tenderly. All of the questions he wanted to ask left his mind just as soon at they had entered it. This continued all the way back to the dorms, leaving Nitori's pale skin a patchwork of red and purple marks.

The walk to their room was filled with silence and an unspoken promise of what was to come. Excitement bubbled up inside of Nitori. His crush for the older boy would finally come to light. This was turning out far better than he imagined. He thought Rin would yell at him and call him a faggot, but it had never occurred to him that Rin may be the one to initiate it. No, this was far different than how he had expected things to happen.

After they stumbled into their shared dorm room, there was a moment where they both just stood still. Neither knew how to approach this as soon as it was just the two of them alone. Nitori looked down at floor to hide his blush until he felt Rin's fingers tangle themselves into his hair. He looked up at the taller boy and smiled.

The red head bent down so that he mouth was level with Nitori's ear and whispered, "Is this what you want Nitori?"

"Yes." Nitori said almost imperceptibly.

Before he had any time to think of what may happen next, he felt Rin's lips collide with his own. Closing his eyes he let the feeling of Rin's lips sliding against his own sweep over him and engulf his entire being. None of his fantasies of how this may happen compared to the real thing. It had his heart leaping out his chest with happiness and he smiled into the kiss. At this opportunity Rin's tongue slid into Nitori's mouth and explored the wet cavern, this elicited a moan from the smaller boy and brought him from his thoughts. This seemed to have spurred Rin on because soon enough he was pushing Nitori towards the bed and two intertwined boys stumbled upon it.

Once they had settled onto the bed, Nitori laid under Rin's body as the red head straddled him. He glanced over his body once and suddenly his hands were sweeping across his abdomen and finally they settled on the bottom of his shirt prompting the boy to lift his arms so he could removing the offending article of clothing. He did so and soon enough his shirt was discarded and thrown across the room.

Nitori thought of how they would have to clean that up later, but all thoughts of the mess that would soon be made left his mind as he felt Rin's mouth surround one his nipples and begin sucking. This entire situation was so lewd that Nitori hated himself for how turned on he was by this. The bulge in his swim shorts was growing rapidly as Rin continued to suck on his nipple as his fingers played with the other.

His lips soon began to travel down his stomach, leaving small marks as he sucked at the sensitive skin, eventually ending up at the hem of his pants. Rin looked up at Nitori and his eyes seemed to ask permission to continue. Nitori bit his lip and looked away, not sure to answer he ended up just nodding slightly as a blush covered his face. The smaller boy lifted his hips slightly as Rin began to pull the spandex off his hips. Soon those joined his shirt on the floor, leaving Nitori naked and blushing as Rin's eyes swept over his completely bared body.

"God you're so beautiful." Rin muttered raspily before he lowered his head between Nitori's legs and began to nip at the tender skin on the inside of his thighs. Nitori gasped slightly and Rin lightly grasped his cock, beginning to stroke him slowly. It was an agonizing speed, Nitori wanted more.

"Senpai... p-please." He gasped quietly.

Rin stopped completely, and smirked at the boy, "What do you want?"

Nitori knew Rin wanted him to do, he wanted him to beg for it and if that's what it took for him to feel Rin's mouth surround his length then he would it. "I...uhh.." he moaned slightly as Rin took up his slow pace once again, obviously satisfied with how this was going, "I want you to...oh god...I want you to suck my dick." Nitori gasped out.

He was rewarded when he felt Rin's tongue lick from the base of his cock to the tip where his lips surrounded it and sucked. Nitori laid his head back into the pillow and closed his eyes as a loud moan escaped him. His tongue played with the slit and moans began spilling out of Nitori's mouth.

Then the red head began to take more of him into his mouth and his hands fondled the base of his cock and his balls. Nitori didn't know it could ever feel this good but then Rin began going faster and faster and soon without warning Nitori was spilling his load into Rin's mouth. His body shook as Rin continued to pump him through his climax. When the sensitivity began to set in, Nitori pushed Rin's hand away slightly and opened his eyes to look at the boy before him. A little bit of his cum was dribbling down Rins chin.

He sat up and brushed his thumb over it to wipe it away, "S-sorry I didn't warn you." But Rin simply brought his hand up to his mouth and put Nitori's thumb into his mouth and sucks the white substance away.

Nitori pulled his hand away quickly, "Rin! You...shouldn't do things like that." He looked down at Rin's lap and realized he was still hard. "Oh! Do...you want me to help you?" He began to reach his hand towards Rin's swim shorts but was cut short by Rin's hand holding onto his arm.

"You can pay me back tomorrow. I'll go deal with myself for now." Rin stood up to leave for the bathroom.

Nitori jumped up and grabbed Rin by his shirt. "Wait! You're just going to leave? Just like that? But...I have questions."

Rin turned around and gave Nitori an impatient look, "Alright, shoot."

Nitori looked away for a moment before looking Rin in the eye, "Well...what are we exactly?"

"Fuck buddies." Was all Rin said before he walked out of their dorm room to the bathroom on their floor.

He tried to put what Rin had just said out of his mind for a second so he simply slipped on a pair of pants and turned out the lights, before slipping into his bed silently. He wanted to just pretend that Rin truly cared about him. So that's exactly what he did for two weeks. He let Rin fuck him and he sucked Rin off and each time they fooled around, he pretended it meant was the first and last time at Nitori truly enjoyed himself around Rin, because now he knew Rin didn't love him back and that he probably never would.


	3. Chapter 3

As the silver haired boy looked up at the ceiling, his thoughts wandered, first to how they got to be "fuck buddies" and then finally settled on the fiasco last night. He rolled over to face the wall, why had he done that? It was so stupid of him, now Rin would wonder what was wrong and they probably couldn't go back to messing around. Restlessly, Nitori moved himself so that his face was shoved into the pillow, a position he knew all too well from all the times he had cried to sleep. Nitori did realize, that it probably wouldn't be that bad if Rin found out, but a small part of him wished that things could just stay the way they had been.

He heard the sheets below him rustle slightly and before long a groggy looking Rin got out of bed. Without thinking about it, Nitori rolled over to watch Rin get ready. This was something he did every morning. He found it endearing that in some way that they acted very domestic like a married couple, but living in the same room forces you to be that way. Rin walked over to the dresser and pulled out a shirt and a pair of pants.

"I know you're watching me, Ni." Rin stated bluntly, as he threw the shirt over his head.

Nitori blushed at the nickname and sat up in bed. "I'm sorry."

This time Rin turned to look at him. Red eyes swept over his body and drank in the sight of him, his alabaster skin that was littered with red marks that his very own teeth had made. He made eye contact with the boy on the top bunk and noticed that his eyes had a red rim around them. It was obvious that he had cried last night. Rin pushed at thought out of his mind and put on a brave face, "I don't mind you watching."

Nitori's stomach filled with butterflies as Rin said this. Occasionally Rin would say something that would make it feel like they were a couple. Things like that, but then he figured out about Haru. Now the butterflies that arose in his stomach didn't feel right. He knew that this blatant flirting was a way of filling in the void that Haru had left. He knew that it was Rin's way of recovering, but Nitori didn't want to be his therapy. Nitori wanted to be his everything. He wanted Rin to think of him the way that he thought of Rin. Hating himself for be so selfish and frowned and made his way to the ladder and off the bed.

Nitori walked over to Rin and stood behind him for a minute before he put a hand on his shoulder. He took a deep breath and moved closer to Rin, leaning his head on his back, "I think we should talk," he took another breath but this one came out shaky and unstable, "About last night."

Nitori was surprised with himself, he wasn't usually the brave one. This was different though, this had been affecting him for weeks and he was tired of letting it slide. He wanted Rin to know exactly how he felt.

Rin turned around to face Nitori, his eyebrows were furrowed together worriedly. "I didn't want to ask, but you seemed sad."

Nitori smiled sadly, even the harsh Rin could be nice if he cared enough to be. Usually he didn't show it. There was a time when Rin would only lash out at Nitori, but often times Nitori would just smile at him and leave him alone for awhile. Eventually, Rin's mean exterior broke down. That was the night they really became friends. That night he and Rin talked about a lot of things, they talked about Rin's dad, they talked about everything with Haru, and then near the end of the night Rin came out to him.

He had looked down at his lap and simply said "I'm gay."

Nitori remembers laughing. How could he not? Rin had just put it out there. As soons as Nitori had laughed Rin's head shot up to glare at Nitori, would just held up his hands in defence as he continued giggling and said, "Senpai, I'm gay too!"

And now Nitori was pulling Rin over to the bottom bunk where there had first had that conversation and where they had all of their sexual encounters. This bed was good and bad, but right now Nitori couldn't help but think it was evil.

They both sat down, so close that their thighs were touching. This wasn't a strange thing for them to do, but right now Nitori was hyper aware if the way that Rin's pants felt against his bare legs. He moved his leg over and took another deep breath, then blurted out, "I think we should stop...being around each other."

Rin inhaled quickly and turned his head to stare at Nitori who was speaking the words he never thought would come out of his mouth. Then realization hit him. He rested his head in his hands, "You...heard me say Haru's name didn't you?"

Nitori looked away from Rin and stared at the blank white wall, he let out a choked answer, "Y-yes." Tears stung his eyes and threatened to overflow.

Rin put his hand over Nitori's, "Ni, I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean it. I just have lingering feelings for him."

Nitori jerked back his hand, now furious and shaking with the sobs that were not bubbling up inside of him.

He began to shout, raw emotion taking form in his words, "Then you should have never started things with me! You knew I liked you, you had to have! It was so painfully obvious."

He got up and stood in front of Rin, who was now looking up at him with a pained look, "You don't get it at all do you? I wanted you to find out. I wanted you to know how much I liked you. I put myself out there and you did nothing." By now Nitori's yelling was filling the room and he didn't know when it started but tears were flowing down his face, "Then one night, you decided you wanted me."

Rin interjected, "But I do want you!"

"If you really wanted me then that night when I asked you what we were, you wouldn't have said fuck buddies." Nitori spat back.

A few tears rolled down Rin's cheeks. Nitori just turned away from him and started walking towards the door. Before he could leave the room, he heard Rin yell, "Ni, wait!

Nitori smiled sadly and shook his head, "No, I've done enough waiting." Then he turned and left the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Diary Entry #127

I've always thought that the saddest emotion you could feel was the one that accompanies loving someone who does not love you back. It is a cold feeling because you get lost in how much you love them only to be yanked out of that bliss into the reality that they will never love you back. Often times it is not the type of love you can just let go of. You live for that person, you would do anything for them, without getting anything in return. That makes it so much harder, because although you realize that this person is slowly tearing you apart, you could never leave them because that would hurt you just that much more.

* * *

Diary Entry #47

The other day I stayed late at the pool to time Rin's 100m freestyle. At one point I almost fell asleep and he noticed, he was upset and told me that if I couldn't stay awake then I was of no use to him. Tears pricked my eyes at that moment, but I swallowed the tears and told him I was fine and that I would time another lap. We stayed for 30 minutes longer. I stayed awake by watching the way that Rin's muscle's flawlessly moved through the water. He is perfect, a beautiful mix of skill and motivation.

* * *

Diary Entry #35

Matsuoka-senpai sat with me at dinner tonight. I was surprised, I figured that since I was a freshman, he wouldn't want to hang around me. When I asked him why he was sitting with me he gave me an angry look and said that it was because we were friends. I couldn't believe he woud say something like that! I thought he hated me, I thought he didn't want to be around me. This made me realize that maybe Rin isn't such a bad person.

* * *

Diary Entry #132

Yesterday night when Rin climaxed he groaned someone else's name. I couldn't quite decipher it but it confirmed my thoughts that he was not thinking of me. This was one of those night where Rin had me sleep the rest of the night in his bed. Usually this was something I cherished, I loved the way that he would hold me against his warm body and breathe into my hair. But last night it just felt wrong, because I finally knew that he did not love me. Well maybe he loved me as a friend but not the way I want him to. No he will never love me the way I love him. I know this, and I think I am okay with it. As long as I can help him through this and be there for him, that's all that matters.

* * *

Diary Entry #15

My roommate moved in today. His name is Rin Matsuoka. I was surprised that he moved in so late. Classes start in a few days. I've been here for 15 days already and I'm still not adjusted to the setting of the school. I don't understand how he will do it.

* * *

Diary Entry #55

I am in love with Rin.

* * *

Diary Entry #17

Matsuoka- senpai told me he moved from Austraila. He was going to an elite swimming school there. I wonder why he moved back. Samezuka cannot be nearly as good as that school was. I wonder if it was a money issue. Or maybe he missed his family. Either way it's none of my business so I'm not going to ask.

* * *

Diary Entry #95

I cannot take it anymore. We have hardly been together for any time at all but the way he treats me is devastating. Ever since we first did it, he ignores me during the day and then I arrive back at the dorm he immediately begins to kiss me and touch me even if I tell him that I am not in the mood. Once I tried to struggle out of his reach because I really did not want to do it that night, and he pushed me against the wall and held my wrists and my sides as he thrust into me without any preparation. Later that night he apologized, but some part of me knew that stuff like that would probably happen again. I should just move out of the dorm. But I love him right? I love being with him, right? Sometimes I'm not even sure if I really do like it or if I'm just telling myself that because I used to like having sex with him.

* * *

Diary Entry #97

I looked in the mirror today and saw the marks Rin left on me. As soon as I saw them I began to cry. I didn't know what was overcoming me. The tears just began to fall. They were not happy tears. With each breath a took it felt like my heart was being torn apart because when I saw those purple and red marks along my neck and shoulders and collar bones I realized that those marks were not meant for me. I didn't know who they were meant for but at that point I wasn't even sure it mattered to me. All the really mattered was the fact that those love marks were not made of love for me, but love for someone else.

* * *

Diary Entry #48

Today Rin helped me with my math homework. It was nice. His voice is very pretty when he is explaining things to me. He almost sounds like he is at peace. He stood there next to my chair and bent over the desk in concentration as he explained the problems to me. I kept getting lost in my thoughts as I thought about how much he made my heart swell. I wasn't exactly sure why it made me feel that way. I had only felt this way when I had a crush on a girl in my 6th grade class. Now here I was with that same warm feeling in my stomach for my grumpy red haired roommate. I can't believe I am admiting this, even if it's just in my diary. I'm still not even certain if I do like him. It's probably just some hormonal thing that comes along with sharing a dorm with him and seeing him half naked at practice each day. Yes I'm sure that's what it is.

* * *

Diary Entry #86

Yesterday, Rin and I kissed and did other things that I'm not sure I should write about. Afterwards I was unspeakably happy. I was glad he finally noticed how much I care for him. No, I still glad. This has been my dream and the only thing I have thought about for weeks on end. I still cannot believe it happened and I almost wonder if I am living in a dream right now because none of this seems real. He said we are just friends with benefits but I think that is just because he is scared of having a relationship. Even if that is not the case I am happy to be with him even if he does not love me the way I love him. Yet, after he said that I felt a clenching sensation iin my chest and it got hard to breath. I wonder if this is why people call it heart break.

* * *

Diary Entry #105

I have stopped caring about anything. I love Rin but it's beginning to be hard to do so. He does not love me back and that is hard for me to fathom how he can have sex with me and not love me. That's just it though. It isn't making love, it's just sex. That's all he wants me for isn't it? He's trying to fill some void with my body. I wonder if he realizes that every time he turns his head into the pillow and closes his eyes if he realizes that I know he is imagining someone else and every time I see him do that I want to cry right then and there. Maybe I'm just getting weak, maybe I just need to feel the way he does and not care and use other people to make myself feel better. But I don't think that would make me feel better, I wonder if it even makes him feel better.

* * *

Diary Entry #145

I do not know if I love Rin anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

Nitori strode down the hallway, tears streaming down his face. Thoughts rushing through his head of what he had done. How he had yelled at Rin and told him everything. This whole thing was far too much to handle. Nitori had been so good at keeping all his thoughts inside, but now everything was ruined. He had told Rin everything. They couldn't go back to normal now, but something had to be done. Nitori knew he couldn't just waltz back into the dorm like nothing had happened. Moving out was the only option. He had come to the staircase when that thought struck him, it something he hadn't realized before. Nitori would have to move out.

The tears began streaming down Nitori's face faster, his footing felt unsteady so he took a seat on the edge of the staircase. He was loosing the one thing that had been important to him for months. Rin was his life, the man he had fallen in love with, but Rin had hurt him and was hurting himself. Rin loved Haru. Rin would always love Haru.

Sobs were racking through his body and he was shaking uncontrollably. He clutched his arms around him and placed his head on his knees, his thoughts were rushing through his brain like jumbled puzzle pieces and none of them fit together. When suddenly, his thoughts settled on one day. One day in particular, the day that changed his life, the day that RIn moved in.

* * *

Nitori was laying on his bed, it was just a normal day. Turning his head over to glance over at his calender on that wall, he saw that it was only two days until classes started. A sigh escaped his lips and he realized that his days of lounging about would soon come to an end. In just a few days he would have to start studying and practicing with the swim team. Animatedly, Nitori shot up in bed, "The swim team!" he said to himslf, quite loudly.

He had forgotten all about swimming, about how his dream of getting into Samezuka had finally come true. His family had never had the money for anything big or fancy, so all throughout middle school, Nitori had worked his hardest on the swim team so he could get a scholarship. It paid off, because without that drive he had in middle school to do his very best, he would never had come to this school.

Nitori sighed again and laid back down on the bed. He had been one of the best swimmers in his middle school, but here at Samezuka he would have to try much harder to be even somewhat close to as good as the other guys here. He knew his roommate would be much better at swimming than him, he had heard that he had just come home from another boarding school in Austrailia. This school had focused on swimming, so of course his roommate would be better than him. That would be alright though, he just hoped that this new roommate would be a nice person.

With these thoughts in his mind, he heard the door of his room open and a red haired boy walked in. Nitori gasped then covered his mouth to hide the smiled that was spreading across his face, this was his roommate!

Nitori sat up in his bed, "Hello, my name is Nitori Aiichiro, I'm assuming you're Matsuoka-senpai?"

* * *

He shook his head, trying his best not to dwell on the past and to focus on the present instead. Not as if he wanted to, no he wanted more than anything for this problem to just go away. He didn't want to fix anything, he just wanted everything to his crying began to die down slightly, he realized that his throat was becoming raw from how hard he had been crying. Taking a deep breath he began to gather himself and calm down, when suddenly he heard footsteps behind him. The steps slowed down and stopped when they rounded the corner. Silence filled the hallway, it felt like the whole world stood still in those few seconds until a familiar, now raspy and emotion filled voice said, "Nitori, I'm sorry."

When Nitori's thoughts were confirmed that it was in fact Rin, he let out a small breath he had been holding and raised his head from his knees. He couldn't turn to face Rin though. He wasn't ready to see his face just yet.

"Nitori, I heard you crying from the dorm room."

Nitori chuckled pathetically, and with a surprisingly steady, almost emotionless voice said, "I've turned into such a crybaby haven't I Rin?"

"You have every right to cry. I've been terrible. I just..." Rin took a breath, "I'm sorry nitori."

"I don't need your apologies right now." Nitori croaked out.

Rin ran onto to the staircase and stood in front of Nitori, forcing him to look at him. His eyes were red and puffy, it seemed as if he had been crying too.

The taller boy grasped Nitori by the shoulders, and looked him in the eye, "Nitori I'm sorry."

The silver haired boy looked down at his lap, a stray tear trailed down his cheek, without looking up at Rin he said, "I'm moving dorms Rin and I'm quitting the swim team. I don't want to bother you anymore."

Rin inhaled sharply, "Nitori, no you aren't bothering me."

"Rin, please let me go."

The grip on his shoulders loosened until the arms fell away completely. Rin stepped aside and Nitori stood up, and with one last look at Rin's face. He made his way down the stair case.

Nitori used to think that the saddest emotion you could feel was loving someone who didn't love you back. He was wrong. The worst feeling you could have was walking away from that person you loved so much. It hurt so much more to know that you were leaving that person. You were leaving that person you had dedicated your life to. It was so painful to know that no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't fix what you had done. He was leaving Rin.


	6. Chapter 6

The sky was clear, and the sun was out. Sounds of students walking and talking to each other filled the courtyard area. It was Saturday and granted that it was nice out, unlike the cloudy and rainy days that had been occurring recently, many of the students at Samezuka were outside. Nitori was one of them, but to him the sun wasn't as bright and it felt cold inside his mind. As he sat under a large oak tree, his thoughts were overwhelmed with how to deal with his current situation. He had just left Rin, that's all there was to it. They weren't together anymore, as friends or as more. It all happened too fast.

The sounds of Mozart's 40th symphony filled his ears. In an attempt to quell the storm raging in his mind he had put in his headphones and turned on some music. Yet to no avail, his thoughts were running at a million miles per hour and they refused to stop. Of course the only thoughts that were crossing his mind were of what to do next. Wishing he could just stay in the shade of the oak tree, with the breeze on his skin forever, he laid his head against the trunk and closed his eyes. Life was never that easy.

At first Nitori thought that they could work through this, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he really didn't want to be with Rin anymore. He had been hurt by Rin time after time and he didn't want to go through the pain ever again. Yet the idea of leaving Rin forever left him with a feeling of agony that he didn't think would ever leave him.

All of the ignorant people around him were smiling and laughing, their lives were wonderful while Nitori's was crumbling. None of those people would even notice how his heart was splitting in two and they couldn't even begin to understand how much it hurt that his only friend and only lover is now something of his past. It was painful to think it about, but it was such an overbearing and powerful emotion that he couldn't even try to ignore it.

He couldn't even go back to his dorm or show his face at swim practice. All at once, his life was becoming a living hell and it was all thanks to Rin. Beautiful, remarkable Rin, who Nitori had looked up to for months; but that Rin was of the past and the Rin of the present couldn't be any more of a monster than the fabled boogie man of his childhood. That antisocial boy who had befriended him of all people, had essentially ruined his entire life; memories of his harmful relationship with him would probably never leave his memories. Nitori chuckled to himself despairingly, as these heart wrenching thoughts flickered through his brain. Poor, pitiful Nitori never would have speculated that his Rin would end up being this terrible, but he was not Nitori's Rin any longer. He had become something else entirely.

Nonetheless, he had to find ways to get over him, but as he looked around at the blissfully ignorant students walking past him, he didn't think he would ever be that happy again.

Especially now that he would have to quit the swim team. The thought had occurred to him before, that if he and Rin broke up swim practice would be incredibly awkward, but never before had he thought that he would have to quit. However, after some consideration, he knew it had to be done. If he didn't quit, he could only imagine the things that might happen at practice. Rin's glares from across the pool, offensive words spit at him now and then, the words faggot and twink echoed through his mind as he thought of what people might think if they found out. He wouldn't be able to stand that torture, at least not without someone to help him through it.

Considering his predicament, Nitori thought that he better go deal with some of these problems that were eating away at him. Obviously he wasn't going to go Maybe if he found a new place to live or quit the swim team, the raging debate inside his head would finally end and he could finally have some peace and quiet. With this in his mind, Nitori rose from where he was sitting under the tree and made his way towards the dorms. Hoping Rin wouldn't be waiting for him inside the lobby, he made his way through the glass doors and into the entryway.

* * *

The plain white door stood looming in front of him. The nameplate to the side read, "Mikoshiba" and no other name. So the outgoing swim team captain lived in a lonely dorm room with no one else? The thought didn't really seem to match up with the image of the constantly gleeful red haired boy.

Nitori blushed slightly, realizing that he had been standing outside of Mikoshiba's dorm room for a few minutes and had yet to knock on the door. He rapt at the faux wood lightly and waited for it to open. Surprisingly, the door opened rather quickly, almost as if Mikoshiba had been waiting for someone. The shy boy hoped that he wasn't intervening in any previous plans Mikoshiba had made. However, the tall boy standing in front of him didn't look like he was bothered by Nitori's presence at his dorm.

"Hello, Mikoshiba. I hope I'm not interrupting anything," Nitori began, looking down at his feet as he mumbled through the words. "I was just hoping I could talk to you about something."

The red haired giant looked down at Nitori and smiled brightly, "Sure thing, kid," he opened the door wider and gestured for Nitori to come into the room. Once the door was closed behind them Mikoshiba continued, "So what brings you here? Why aren't you outside enjoying the sun? It would be a great day for a run."

"Yeah, you're right," Nitori smiled slightly, "It would be a wonderful day for a run."

Mikoshiba sat down on his bed and motioned for Nitori to sit in the desk chair that was adjacent to the mattress. "So if you realize that it's such a nice day, then why are you cooped up in the dorm and not soaking up the daylight?"

Nitori sat down in the desk chair, "Well I guess that's kind of what I'm here to talk to you about." Mikoshiba nodded his head, as if telling him to continue. Nitori shuffled nervously in his chair, not sure how to tell the captain about what happened between him and Rin, so he just blurted out, "Rin and I had a fight."

"Okay?" Mikoshiba said in a confused tone, he obviously didn't completely understand, "Would you mind explaining to me why you needed to talk to me? I mean, I don't mind! If you just need someone to talk to then that's fine too but I have a feeling that you're itching to tell me something important."

Nitori sighed, slumping slightly, "Yeah, you're right."

"Okay, tell me what's going on in that brain of yours." Mikoshiba urged.

Another sigh escaped through Nitori's lips. He didn't want to tell Mikoshiba this, it would become his reality once he did, but he swallowed his sadness because he knew it must be done, and he croaked out the words he didn't want to say, "I have to quit the swim team."

Mikoshiba was taken aback, his face warped in surprise then his features softened into a smile, "No you don't Nitori, I don't know what Rin told you, but you don't have to do anything."

"No, Mikoshiba! You've got it wrong!" Nitori countered, quickly, the continued in a quieter almost apologetic tone, "Rin didn't tell me to do anything. This is my choice." Nitori assured the senior.

The kind-hearted captain sighed and smiled at Nitori, then patted the bed, next to where he was sitting, "Come over here and talk to me."

Reluctantly, the light haired boy rose from the desk chair and made his way over to the bed where he sat down next to Mikoshiba, who smiled at him a said, "No need to be so rigid," and patted him on the back slightly before continuing, "Now tell me what's wrong, I know how much you love swimming and you wouldn't just quit all of the sudden if there wasn't something bothering you."

Nitori bit his lip and thought to himself, maybe he could tell Mikoshiba about this. He was a trustworthy person after all, but he wasn't sure what he would think once he said he was gay. Either way, he knew that his captain wouldn't take any answer but the truth. Nitori really had no other choice but to tell him, "Please don't think anything strange of me after I tell you this."

Mikoshiba smiled broadly at him and nodded his head enthusiastically, "I promise."

Not completely sure of himself, Nitori began retelling the events, "The Night that we won the meet against the Iwatobi Swim club, Rin and I became sexually involved with each other. At first I thought that it was because he had feelings for me, which was great because by this time, I had liked him for a little over a month. However later that night Rin told me that he wanted us to be friends with benefits. Honestly I thought it would end there, but slowly he began to get farther and farther from me emotionally and he began doing things to me without full consent, but that's not the point right now. The other night..." Nitori swallowed to hold back his tears, then continued, his voice breaking occasionally, "He moaned...someone else's name. I didn't mind so much the things he was doing to me when I had some sliver of hope that he might love me back someday, but after that I couldn't hold it in anymore. So this morning I told him that and he reacted badly. So I want to quit."

Now Mikoshiba was looking down at his lap as well, he spoke up quietly when he noticed that Nitori was completely done talking, "Did he hit you?"

"What?" Nitori replied, not completely understanding what he was asking.

"You said he reacted badly when you told him the morning, so did he hit you?" the red haired boy seemed to be getting fired up. When he rose his head and looked at Nitori, his face showed that he was disgusted.

"Mikoshiba, I'm so sorry I told all of this to you," Nitori cried.

Nitori jumped back when Mikoshiba yelled at him, "I asked you, did he hit you?!" He seemed to be completely upset by now, his face was reddening and he was clenching his fists.

"N-no he didn't." Nitori answered his voice shaky and quiet. But suddenly he was being pulled into a hug. Mikoshiba was hugging him.

"I'm so sorry for yelling, but I couldn't stand the thought of him doing these things to you," the red head's voice was right in Nitori's ear and it sounded like he was holding back tears, "I'm so sorry that you had to go through those things."

Nitori hugged him back lightly and responded with a quiet, "Thank you."

Mikoshiba pulled back from the hug and rubbed the back of his neck and blushed slightly, he coughed and grumbled somewhat of an apology for hugging him so suddenly. The room suddenly had a tense feeling to it and the two boys awkwardly avoided each other's eyes. Then suddenly, Mikoshiba turned to Nitori with an almost excited look in his eyes, "Nitori, do you need a place to stay?" The tall boy looked down at his lap with an almost bashful expression, it didn't seem to fit him because it contrasted completely with his looming a powerful aura, but there was something about the picture before him that seemed almost cute. Nitori's thoughts were cut off soon enough when Mikoshiba continued speaking, "Because I don't have a roommate."

Nitori thought about it for a second then he realized that it actually was a good idea. Mikoshiba was one of the few people that Nitori had actually talked to on the swim team and he really did need a place to go. So he nodded slightly and said, "If you don't mind too much it would be nice to live with you."

The red haired boy stood up from the bed and smiled down at Nitori, "I hope you like the top bunk," then he glanced at his watch quickly and jumped slightly when he saw what time it was, "Oh damn it," then he glanced back up at Nitori and gave him an apologetic look, then said, "I really have to get going to swim practice. We can work out the details of you living here later, okay?"

Smiling at how normal Mikoshiba was acting even though he had basically just come out to him, Nitori nodded and said, "That's alright. I can keep myself busy for a few hours."

Mikoshiba put on his jacket then grabbed a duffel bag that Nitori assumed held his swimming gear and he made his way to the door, calling out a goodbye to Nitori who just waved back meekly.

Once Mikoshiba had left the room, Nitori sighed and thought to himself that since he would be rooming with Mikoshiba from here on out, that he'd better go get his stuff from the dorm he shared with Rin, or. . . used to share seemed to fit more accurately in the current situation. Now would be a good time to go because he knew there wouldn't be any trouble, because by then Rin will have gone to swim practice. Even if something was bothering him this much, Rin wouldn't miss swim practice for the world.

* * *

Nitori heaved a sigh as he sat the last of his boxes down on the floor of his new dorm. There were only a few but he had shoved them quite full so that he could manage to get everything there in only a few trips. Now he was beginning to regret that, seeing as his back was screaming at him to either ice it or lay down for a few hours, but he had one more trip to take.

The only things that were left in the room were his bedsheets and his schoolbooks. At least the next trip would be kind of easier on his back, no more heavy lifting to do. And so he set out to get the last of his things. It felt good to actually be getting on with his life rather than drowning in the past. With his mind set on moving all of his things he hardly had any time to think about Rin, but it was still there, in the back of his mind. It wasn't exactly the type of thing that he could forget so quickly.

Everything changed when he walked back into his old dorm he realized that this would be the last time that he would walk through the door for a long time, if not for the last time. It was an understatement to say that the thought of that was painful. It was far more than painful. If felt like someone had pierced his heart with a knife and was pulling it out only to shove it back in again and twist it around and around. Suddenly Nitori's head began to spin and he felt nauseous. As he shut the door behind him and leaned against the cold hard surface, he felt as if at any moment his knees would give out. As if he wanted protection from the idea of him fainting only to wake up and see Rin in front of him, he slid down the surface of the door till he was sitting on the ground.

Finally, he had been holding it in all day, but finally he let the tears come. The tears that seeked to breach the surface all day were finally spilling over the edge and Nitori would be lying to himself if he said it felt better. It was a strange feeling, sitting on the floor or the dorm that would soon not be his and bawling. It felt weird to think that he would never cry in this room again and that he would never be able to touch Rin again and for a split second Nitori wondered if maybe he should just apologize and get back together with Rin. If separating from him was causing him this much pain, then maybe it would be better to just go back to the way things were. But no, that would be ridiculous and the more he thought back on it, the more he realized that he was never happy in their strictly sexual relationship. He had always wanted more from Rin. He wanted romance and love and adoration and everything that Rin wasn't giving him. It always felt cold being around him because he knew that for his entire life that this love would be unrequited, but nonetheless, he played along.

So this was his chance to say, no more and move on with his life. This was supposed to be the moment that he would remember as his redeeming moment, yet here he was sitting on the floor with his head in his hands sobbing, tears flowing down his cheeks and dotting the his light blue shirt with dark blue stains that he was sure tasted of the saltiness that was running into his open mouth that was letting loose cry after cry. He wanted to stop, he truly did, he wanted more than anything to stop and get up and go on with his life, but as he rose to stand he knew that it wouldn't be that easy, but hell if he didn't try!

With those words in his mind, he made his way to the desk and grabbed his backpack from next to it, picking it up and stuffing book after book into it until it was full to the brim and all his books were in. He grabbed his diary from under his pillow and set it in the bag; along with the letter his mother sent him for christmas break and a book he had been working to finish for English class.

As he picked that book off the desk though, a small sheet of paper fell off of the desk and landed on the carpet. Nitori bent over to pick it up, however he wasn't expecting it to be addressed to him and he definitely wasn't expecting it to be from Rin.

A note from Rin? That's what it said on the front, unless his eyes were deceiving him, but as he opened the note he saw that it really was for him and so he began to read.

"Hey, I'm not sure if you'll come back while I'm gone but I really wanted to tell you some things and I thought this might be my only chance to do that. First of all, I wanted to tell you that a few weeks ago I read your diary. I really didn't mean to, but I found it and I opened it and I just couldn't stop myself from reading. Yes, I read all of it...so I am completely aware of your crush for me. I am so so sorry for reading it though and you have to know that I didn't mean to hurt you in all those ways you mentioned but I am sorry. And I hope that you can forgive me. You're my only real friend and I am begging you, don't push me aside over this. We can talk, we can work something out. - Rin"

His eyes gazed over the note one more time, then he slowly folded it up and placed it in the front pocket of his backpack. He zipped it up and placed it next to the desk. He didn't know what to think, all he knew was that all of a sudden he felt numb and that at some point during the note his crying had stopped.

As he touched his face, he pulled his hand back to see that it was completely dry. Nitori smiled slightly as he realized that he really did stop crying, but now he had work to do and so he got to work pulling all of the blankets off his bed.

* * *

As Nitori approached his room, he noticed that there was a person sitting on the floor of the hallway. He thought nothing of it until he got closer and he realized that it was right outside of Mikoshiba's room. He walked to the door and stood in front of the person who was huddled by the door, leaning his head against the plain colored wall with his eyes closed.

"Why are you here?" That's all Nitori needed to say for the red haired boy in front of him to look up at him.

Rin frowns slightly and says, "Mikoshiba told us that you quit the team so I figured you were here and I left practice early."

"Why'd you think I would want to see you?" Nitori muttered and looked down the hallways as he clenched his jaw together.

"I wanted to apologize." Rin said, with a complete and utter look of sympathy on his face that it hurt Nitori to look at him, but he couldn't deal with this right now. Not this soon.

"I saw your note already," he looked at Rin with a feral look that showed how much hatred had built up in this totally loving boy and then in a flash it was gone, replaced by that same look of uncertainty and anxiety that often graced his face, then he said, "I have work to do." and that was all it took for Nitori to open the door and go inside, completely ignoring all remarks of apologies from Rin. He knew it was the right thing to do for now. He would talk to him sometime, but now was not the time.

* * *

Nitori lay on the top bunk of his new bed and stared at the ceiling. He sometimes wished that ceiling would just disappear on nights like this so that he could look up at the sky and see billions upon billions of stars. Nights like this, when sleep would not reach him, were the worst kind of nights. He knew that the next day would be hell, that he would be so tired and restless, but the worst thing about these night was his mind.

Sometimes it felt like he was going crazy as his mind fluttered through all of the events of the day or all of the things he wanted to forget. It was such a terrifying feeling to not be able to control what he thought and often times he wished that it would all just stop and he could close his eyes and finally drift into that sleep that he so desperately needed.

Tonight was one of those nights, so he rolled over and prayed that sleep would reach him as a sigh leaked out of his mouth.

He had to fight back a gasp as he heard a voice say, "You still awake?"

Settling down after realizing that it was only Mikoshiba, so he smiles to himself slightly and says, "Yeah."

The creaking of the bed overwhelms the room for a moment until it stops, followed by rustling of the sheets. Apparently Mikoshiba was having a restless night too, and then he hears the boy below him say, "You know you deserve someone better. Rin was terrible to you and you are such a sweet boy. I wish you would see that as clearly as I do."

Nitori chokes back his emotion and speaks quietly, "Thank you Captain."

"You don't have to call me Captain you know or even Mikoshiba, you can call me Seijuro,"

"Thank you, Seijuro," Nitori spoke softly to the boy on the bunk below and he hoped that Mikoshiba, no Seijuro understood just how much that one sentence meant to him, because that one sentence showed Nitori just what it was like to have friends, to have real friends that cared for him.

The light haired boy then understood exactly what he needed to say to Rin, so he pulled out his phone and typed a message that read, "If you really cared about me as a friend, then you wouldn't have treated me the way you did." and then he tucked his arms under the blankets and cuddled up into them, lulling off into a dreamless sleep.


End file.
